You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
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