his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
