i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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