I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Randomize
