got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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