My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
