I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize
