My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
