if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
