see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
