there's paper in my vomit.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
