hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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