My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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