i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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