I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
