Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
