this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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