I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
