I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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