and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
