Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
