You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
