i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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