He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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