God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
