My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
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