Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Randomize
