I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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