when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
