he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Randomize
