addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
well you can't waste a boner
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
