I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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