I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
