i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
