Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
