i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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