i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
