Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
