if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
