i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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