I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Can you repeat that, but with context?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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