Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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