I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
