I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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