my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
