can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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