life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
