Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
