I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
