My Higher Power is John Stamos
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Randomize
